its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
