You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
