1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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