Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
