they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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