I can text with my tongue
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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