Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
