So gin and wine won't be happening again
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
