if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
