I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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