Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
