Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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