I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
