do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
