Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
