I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize