party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
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