Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
