your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
