It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
