you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i dont even know how to be here
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
