I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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