Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
