I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
