why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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