Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
