Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
