remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
