i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
yeah, it was that bad.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Four minutes until I can fart!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.