I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.