There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
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i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
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I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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