nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
