I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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