I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
