Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
