Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
