Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
