i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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