I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
