And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
