come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
