How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
