First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
