Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
