I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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