Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
