I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
