Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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