My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
