who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
