Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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