Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
