he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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