Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
