looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He shit in the fireplace
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
