I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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