apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
