I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
