haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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