we have officially lost it.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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