Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i love accidental penises.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
