im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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